Alexa, play “Bag Lady” by Erykah Badu
So many times I wanted to hate love. The mere idea of going on another first date, telling the same childhood stories, and sharing my love for all things pumpkin spice gave me anxiety. I felt so desensitized, detached, and numb. I found myself slipping into a cycle of destructive thoughts. I even tried to rationalize my pain. I felt so hopeless about love.
I was so use to people walking out of my life, feeding me empty promises, and telling me how “I am too good for them.” I had no trust in others or myself for that matter. I went into every connection anticipating the ending. I thought it was a way of self-preserving or self-protection but I was wrong.
When I finally connected with reciprocated love I felt this intense fear. A part of me wanted to go all in but my past hurt screamed for me to retract. I played this constant internal tug of war. One day I was in and the next day fear would send me running in the opposite direction. I was more comfortable with disappointment and the idea that someone could actually love me the way that I deserved felt so unfamiliar.
I told myself that I would never love someone the way I loved my ex. Ignoring the fact that they were brought in my life to teach me what true love was. It was a difficult lesson to grasp because they taught me through pain. Deep, ugly cry, depressed for months pain. It took unconditional love to stare me in the face and force me to realize that I had been crying in front of a closed door with absolutely nothing behind it. I was holding on to the pain and not embracing the lesson.
Sis are you crying in front of a closed door? Have you become a bag lady? Are you running away from love because you refuse to accept the lesson?
Some people come into our lives to teach us valuable lessons. Yes, the lesson can be painful but it’s worth it.
Remember, just because someone brought you pain does not mean that they were not a meaningful part of your life. People enter and exit your life for a reason, to elevate your soul, teach you many life lessons and help you evolve. Don’t allow your pain to stand in the way of true love or play tricks with your mind. Walk away from the closed door! Drop the baggage! Walk towards the door that is wide open and filled with the love that you deserve.
You deserve unconditional, patient, never ending, with you through the ups and downs, accepts you for who you are, communicates with you, encourages you, hold you while you cry LOVE.