Well Sis we have ourselves a ghoster!

I am sure some of you have shared my experience. You know, someone disappears off the face of the earth without warning.  I have been ghosted and I have been the “ghoster” (thanks to Karma). When I played the role of the ghoster, my reason for disappearing was merely because I did not know how to communicate effectively. I also had no respect for other people’s time. I was a walking disaster. I avoided difficult conversations by all means necessary. For example, instead of communicating that I was no longer interested, had found someone else, or flat out just needed some me time; I said nothing. In fact, I would watch the person text me inquiring about my silence. But yet, I said nothing.

I thought to myself “eventually they will get the point.” Yet another example of my poor communication skills, I thought people could read my mind. My communication skills, or lack thereof, had a stellar track record even in my platonic relationships. A friend would hurt my feelings and to avoid communicating my emotions (because that meant I had to deal with them), I said nothing. I did not express my needs, wants, or desires. I even had the nerve to think

“They should just know what I need and want.”

Communication is a key function in all relationships platonic and romantic. Once I stopped internalizing and started communicating, I felt a sense of peace.

I found myself extremely frustrated when I was ghosted for the first time. I screamed in disgust:

“How dare you! Use your words, respect my time, and just tell me that you aren’t interested!”

Well say hello to karma! After calming down from my utter frustration, I took some time to reflect. Instead of throwing myself into self-pity, I reflected and allowed opportunity for growth. I needed a clear understanding of my expectations, needs, and wants in both romantic and platonic relationships.  So, I sat down and made a list. I also made sure that I could reciprocate my identified needs (you cannot ask for things you have no ability to reciprocate). Below is a snapshot:

  1. Consistency!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. Quality time – removing distractions when we are together.
  3. COMMUINCATION– tell me what is on your mind or even if the vibe is off. Let’s talk about it. A partnership means working together.
  4. Clear communication about the progression, or lack thereof, of our relationship. Are we dating exclusively or nah? You got somebody on the side?

I will not bore you with the rest of my extensive list but it is important to know exactly what you want and need in a relationship. Once you have a clear understanding, you can then communicate your little heart out!

So if you have found yourself searching for Casper, keep this in mind:

If someone ghosts you, it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

Could they have found someone else or lost interest? Sure. But they should communicate that to you. If the communication is bad now, imagine trying to communicate disagreements in the relationship. Whew, Chile! You dodged a bullet Sis.

Allow me to reassure you:

You did not say or do anything wrong. Do not allow Casper to get in your head. You are still beautiful and amazing Sis.”

Now, go write that list!

Copyright 2019 The Stiletto Files

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s