Alexa, play “His Mistakes” by Usher

The most passionate relationships can be haunted by the ghost of an ex. It is unfortunate because your new loving partnership gets caught in the crossfire of the war between your partner and their past. It is one thing to validate your partner’s past pain and it is another to be forced to pay for the mistakes of their ex.

It is devastating to have your relationship dictated by the ghost of an ex. In this case, someone is left feeling like their love is not valued, appreciated, or worthy. I can honestly attest that it is painful to receive tainted love based upon the wrongdoings of a person that never deserved your partner’s love in the first place. Internally you scream “I am not your ex! I am your healing, happy ending, and the rainbow after the storm. I deserve your heart without limits!” But the truth is no matter how loud you scream your partner has to see this for themselves. Your partner has to see you for YOU and not in comparison to their ex.

Recovering from having your heart merely ripped from your chest is not an easy task. It takes patience, intentional healing, and discipline. The person must first acknowledge their hurt and have the intentional desire to leave the past where it belongs. The fact is the hurt was likely not their fault but the healing is their responsibility. You are NOT their punching bag, sounding board, or free therapist. You should not be forced to continue to visit the grave of their dead relationship. You are not responsible for their hurt and do not have to prove that you are better than their ex. Your only job is to be authentically you and offer them your love.

Your ex nor theirs should have any stock in your present relationship! Neither of you deserve love with conditions. Your partner does not deserve to love with limits and you do not deserve to receive conditional love.

Healing takes time but if you find yourself being punished for their ex’s mistakes it’s time to re-evaluate. Start with communicating with your partner. If your feelings are met with defensiveness, invalidation, or denial they may not be ready to release their ex. It sounds bizarre that someone would choose to hang on to hurt but it is not the hurt that they are holding on to, it’s the fantasy of a happy ending that was never meant to be. We always lone for what we can’t have. We also focus on what we want instead of what we need.  For example, you may hear them say “we were so perfect together.” When in fact the love was far from perfect and likely consisted of manipulation, falsehoods, and toxicity.

The actions of their trash and dusty ex are not your fault Sis. Do not serve as a shield for displaced hurt, anger, and resentment.

Your love should not be navigated with guidelines written in response to their failed relationship. Of course, everyone should reflect on their past relationships in an effort to not make the same mistakes. But resentment, anger, and bitterness should only be directed to the parties involved, not you.

To the person still granting their ex emotional stock in their current relationship, open your eyes and see the rainbow in front of you before it is too late. You can love, trust, dream, and be happy again. Stop punishing yourself and your new partner. Cancel your subscription to the drama and open your hurt. You will be surprised at how freeing it is. Now, clear your energy and release the bitch your former partner. Give your new love a fair chance to blossom.

Now let’s take it back a bit for the old heads. Alexa, play Thelma Houston’s “Don’t make me pay.