Thank you for breaking my heart

A classic story of turning pain into inspiration and lemons into a lemon drop martini.

Kay

I vowed to hold nothing back Sis so that we can heal together. So buckle up! Let’s talk about some realness.

As a healer your energy attracts people that need healing. This can be tough because as you provide healing energy you could unconsciously deplete yours. If you have experienced this Sis, my heart goes out to you because it is so frustrating and hurtful.

Let’s talk about Star. I have briefly mentioned her before in previous blogs. I meet Star through my best friend. I was at a point in my life where I was willing to entertain dating again. I thought to myself “why not? You have to put yourself back out there at some point.” I knew that if I was to date again I needed to tear down some walls that I had built, be willing to truly open myself up, and stop running from vulnerability.

Initially I was hesitant because of the geographical distance but that faded after our first time meeting. I was actually intimidated by her initially. She was so stable, well spoken, and loving. After some time, I thought to myself “this could be the one. This could be it for me.” I knew that I had genuine love for her because I was showing up as my authentic self with no chaser. Because of the distance, I had no problem jumping in my car after work and driving hours just to be with her.

 I knew that Star had previously placed her heart in the hands of someone that did not deserve her causing resistance and fear. The healer in me wanted to love her through the pain. I could see beyond her fears and doubts. The image that shined brightly behind all of her walls was absolutely beautiful. But the effort was not reciprocated. I was pouring more into our connection than she was. The scales became imbalanced. I was making all of the drives, introducing her to my family, and striving to learn everything about her. I was giving so much of myself. Parts of myself that were unfamiliar to me and my past lovers. I literally thought she was “the one.” I am sure you can imagine how dumbfounded I was when she yanked me from my cloud and ended it after realizing she wasn’t ready for a relationship during a FaceTime conversation about Netflix. (Sis please don’t ask it to make sense.)

 I’m sure you can imagine how I felt when she told me that she was in a relationship a few months after. She found someone worth the long drives, letting down those emotional walls for, and allowing someone to experience the beautiful image I saw all along. I was so hurt, angry, humiliated, and confused. I was even mad at my best friend for introducing us. I felt small, betrayed, used, and even started questioning “what’s wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me because she decided to open her heart to someone else?”  

In my eyes, while I was healing from the connection she jumped in a new one. It felt unfair. Of course I knew that there is nothing wrong with me, I am still 100% that bitch. I had to check my ego at the door because I genuinely wanted to be happy for Star but struggled with the idea that someone else was getting the happy ended I wanted with her. However, despite how it feels I trust my Divine even when I do not understand. I will always have love for Star.

The Happy Ending

Despite it all, I did not walk away completely empty handed. Through it all, The Stiletto Files was born! I felt an urge to share my stories and life lessons with other women. I poured all of my hurt, unanswered questions, life reflections, self-exploration, and spiritual gifts into creating a healing space for other Queens.

I created a sisterhood where women can share their life experiences, have a safe space to say “shit is tough right now,” discover themselves, feel supported, and connect with their higher self. The Stiletto Files was and will continue to be my healing. I hope that it can be yours too Sis.

Welcome to the sisterhood.

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